“[Penis] props are emblematic of the contradictory roles the bride is forced to play: Within hours of the bachelorette party ending, she'll morph from bawdy bachelorette to blushing, virginal bride”

“Rise of the Penis Piñata” by Madeline Grimes

Grimes’ fascinating article chronicles the history of the bachelorette party and compares them to bachelor parties in order to reveal their sexist and oppressive undertones. The article also draws parallels between the bachelor and bachelorette party to illuminate the differences between how men and women perceive marriage. For a man, a bachelor party symbolizes a final taste of the single life before being sentenced to the remainder of his life with the same woman (as I mention later on, the ball-and-chain bachelor party prop is a good representation of these perceptions). Women, on the other hand, have historically been made to believe that marriage is a life goal and a dream as opposed to something that should illicit a kind of mourning process. While these attitudes have changed somewhat with the rise of raunchier bachelorette parties (strip clubs, bars, etc.), Grimes argues that the penis paraphernalia that has become such a popular trend at bachelorette parties are not as sexually liberating as we might think…

Here’s the link: http://bitchmagazine.org/article/rise-of-the-penis-pi%C3%B1ata-history-bachelorette-party-feminism

“It seems there is an entire industry devoted to shoving genitals—penis whistles, penis pasta, penis straws, and of course, penis cake—into a bride's face. (Vagina whistles, pasta, piñatas, and cakes are hard to come by)”

I’ve never been to a bachelorette party (but now that I’m twenty-two I’m sure I’ll have loads of experiences to look forward to in the next ten years or so…lucky me!) so I can’t really relate to this discrepancy from experience but I find it fascinating! Why are bachelorette parties all about shoving penises in girls’ faces (excuse my derogatory language but I don’t know how else to put it!) whereas bachelor parties are about…real vaginas, like at the strip clubs? I was talking to my mom about this, and I was discussing my curiosity in the reasons behind why men’s and women’s bachelor(ette) parties are so different. She told me that bachelor parties just don’t have favors like women’s parties do (hence the lack of vagina-shaped items) and that it would be weird for guys to do that. She told me that the only favor she’s ever seen for a bachelor party was a ball-and-chain prop. I want to know why these differences exist: why is it considered “weird” for guys to have party favors? I observed that perhaps women go more for the “fake” penises with their party favors, while men often go for the “real” vaginas by going to strip clubs. My mother refuted this claim though by saying that both men and women visit strip clubs for bachelor(ette) parties. This is certainly true, however, I made a further point by asserting that if I collected research asking men and women who decided to have bachelor(ette) parties before their wedding what they did for said parties, I would hypothesize that there would be a much larger ratio of men attending strip clubs compared to women. So with these ideas in mind, I want to know: what do these differences suggest about how women and men respond to and perceive the institution of marriage (I keep thinking of that ball-and-chain…)? In what ways could an investigation of the bachelor versus bachelorette party reveal the gendered differences between men and women in marriage? To tie this into geography, I think it would also be interesting to compare the different places that each gender chooses to go for these parties: who’s going to the clubs and bars, and who’s going to sit-down restaurants and friend’s houses?

“Prior to the 1960s, women didn't celebrate the ‘end’ of their sexual freedom in ritualized parties like men because it was believed that women weren't actually giving anything up in marriage. Women were not expected to feel sad about their impending nuptials, nor were they expected to lament the end of their single days in drunken bacchanalia—marriage was the aspirational end point”

I can certainly relate to this idea of marriage as an “aspirational end point.” You see a lot of little girls planning their weddings and pre-naming their children, but you don’t hear about many little boys doing the same. Why is it that marriage and family is so deeply ingrained into the goals and hopes and dreams of women, but not men? For women prior to the 1960s according to this article (and even today too!) marriage wasn’t framed as a sacrifice or a compromise in the eyes of women, whereas marriage represented the end of sexual freedom for men. If we’re going to talk about sex for a minute here…for women, the single life (which can include dating, having multiple partners, casual sex, etc.) is not something to be mourned in marriage as it is often mourned among men. Why is that? I think things are changing with the rise of these more risqué bachelorette parties, but at the same time there is still this stigma with marriage that the man is being tied down and his freedoms are being taken away. How often do we ever hear about the woman being tied down, and having her freedoms taken away when she is married? I’ll watch shows like “Say Yes to the Dress” and “Four Weddings” and it seems very apparent to me that weddings and marriage are framed as the most important event in a woman’s life. Where are the shows about men shopping for their dream tux, and planning their dream wedding? Oh wait, there are none because men (stereotypically) don’t have those dreams.

“It wasn't until the 1980s that the bachelorette party was even given a name, and the late '90s before it was widely discussed in media (including women's and bridal magazines) or studied in academia. (Cosmo's first article about bachelorette parties appeared in 1998 and suggested that activities should be tailored to the bride's tastes, even if ‘you know your pal secretly wants to rub oil on the gun of a scantily clad 'police officer.’) The 1980s brought a subtle shift in tone to the parties—they were usually planned in advance and began to shadow the male version in activity”

I can’t believe it took THAT long for women to have bachelorette parties! No one thought before the late 1980s that having a night similar to the guys’ could be a lot of fun? I guess society was just trying to keep this stereotype of the perfect, homely little “virgin bride” alive for as long as humanly possible! Over twenty years later there are men who are still extremely attracted to the idea of a “virgin bride,” with some who even take it to the degree of a fetish (and in saying this, I’m excluding those men who believe in the importance of abstinence before marriage as part of their religious affiliations). I would be curious to know how important male virginity is to women! In pop culture as well as in my own personal experience, I’ve never heard of a woman seeking a male virgin (except for—like I mentioned previously—some religious groups. The Duggar family comes to mind here, but I’d say they’re a little on the abnormal side when it comes to the rest of the Western world).

[Jaclyn] Geller [author of the 2001 book Here Comes the Bride] maintains that the bachelorette party is ‘a gesture of retaliation rather than a real sensual adventure…[answering] an imagined insult, responding to the bachelor party's text (lewd sexuality) rather than its subtext (lamenting lost friendship)’"

So let me get this straight! According to Geller, the bachelorette party represents a mean through which women can essentially get back at their husbands for the shenanigans that they will inevitably get into for their bachelor parties? Instead of the bachelorette party being the last celebration before the obligations of married life make spending time with friends more difficult (which I think is really dumb to begin with but that’s a discussion for another day…), it is how soon-to-be brides respond to the condemnable actions of their fiancés. Is this correct? Am I understanding this? Because if that’s true, and women are only having bachelorette parties because they (I assume…) don’t appreciate their husbands going to strip clubs and drinking excessively and thus feel the need to “retaliate,” then the potential for bachelorette parties to be (what I was beginning to believe) a feminist activity kind of becomes moot. Women should have bachelorette parties because they desire to exploit one last evening of sexual freedom, just as their future husbands do. Why have a party as a means of revenge? That just seems really stupid and kind of pathetic to me, not to mention a poor way to start a marriage. You know, telling your fiancé you’re uncomfortable with him having lady parts shoved in his face all night isn’t a bad idea… But maybe I’m just crazy.

“Additionally, women began taking bachelorette activities outside of private homes and into the public sphere. Bars, clubs, and restaurants became popular venues for bachelorette festivities, and because women were celebrating in public, it was easy to witness (and comment on) their rowdy behavior”

A little geography coming into play! Grimes doesn’t expand on her point about people commenting on the rowdy behaviour of women celebrating bachelorette parties in public, but it seems to me that she is suggesting that the behaviours witnessed at these parties often brings about scorn and negativity amongst onlookers. I used to work at Captain Jack’s (an arcade and bar that also has laser tag, mini putt and other attractions) and we would get women in all the time celebrating their bachelorette parties: they’d come in with their six-inch heels, plunging necklines and short skirts and dresses with the feather boas and sashes. I remember coworkers making comments about the risqué appearance of these women and their often highly intoxicated demeanors. Although I can’t remember any specific comments made by anyone or on my behalf (I’m not going to pretend like I’m innocent, I’m sure I contributed to these comments), but I know that we were definitely judgmental. Whereas previously many bachelorette parties took place in the private sphere, out of the public eye and without the risk of social backlash, now women are becoming much bolder and taking to the streets (I’d often see these women parading up and down Clifton Hill). Why all of the judgement? When a group of guys go out to celebrate a bachelor party, do they receive the same judgement, or is their behaviour taken for granted? They say “boys will be boys”…but I’ve never heard “girls will be girls.” Women aren’t excused for outlandish behaviour, whereas aside from the potential scorn from their fiancés, men can stumble down as many streets as they want, hopping from bar to bar, and no one will say a word.

“…bawdy bachelorette culture is a manufactured construct that grew from the hushed urgings of big business. Between 1990 and 2002, the average cost of a wedding grew by almost 50 percent… In her 2007 book One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding, Rebecca Mead points out that in the first decade of 2000, bridal magazines conveyed the message that a wedding is "a consumer rite of passage, in which the taking up of a new role in life is given material substance through the acquisition of products and services for both the wedding itself and for the marriage that is to follow"

It all makes sense now! Our consumer culture of course played a huge role in the rise of the bachelorette party. I would never be so naïve as to say that it played the only role, but I can definitely get on-board with this explanation. One of the only ways that bachelorette parties could ever become acceptable in a patriarchal society that throughout history has aspired to keep women obedient and docile in their marriages in order to benefit a capitalist society (Federici keeps popping up all over the place!) would be if said bachelorette parties would be big money-makers. I watched a College Humor video on YouTube recently called “Why Engagement Rings are a Scam” (which I am going to insert at the end of this blog post) that explains how in 1938 the De Beers diamond cartel launched an ad campaign that told men that they needed to give their fiancés a big diamond ring when they proposed, and that they were pretty much losers if they didn’t. Can you believe that one massive money making scheme has secured a tradition that will probably last countless more generations to come? What did people think engagement rings were for, anyway? What do they symbolize? I don’t think most people think this far because it’s become so deeply ingrained in our culture! Men know that if they propose without a ring, their girlfriends will be disappointed. It’s a bad move. That’s the only reason they need. Just like rings, the bachelorette parties (along with bachelor parties, wedding showers, rehearsal dinners and all that other BS that comes before the wedding) make MONEY. And in our society, as has been proven time and time again…if it makes money, it’s a good idea.

“The forced use of phallic symbols at bachelorette parties suggests that the role of women in heterosexual marriages is simply to penis-please and that an evening of female bonding must include a reminder of the men they're leaving at home”

WOAH! My mind has been blown! I would have never thought of that myself! No wonder men don’t have vagina-shaped paraphernalia at their parties. For men, it certainly isn’t about vagina-pleasing…and of course, men want to avoid any such reminder of the woman they’re leaving behind. So instead, they seek other women and other REAL vaginas in the strip clubs. Sorry, that’s extremely crude again but this article has put me in simultaneously goofy and critical mood. I can’t help myself. I apologize if in saying all of this I am generalizing…which I try extremely hard not to do! I’m sure not all men think this way at all, but I would definitely be interested in researching this idea further (not sure how I would go about it though…those would be some interesting questionnaires and interviews!).