"One of the many advantages to being single, and the one I enjoy the most, is being able to do whatever I want without having to worry about how my actions…will affect how a particular person thinks of me”

“Love and Relationships Series: Happy On Her Own” by R.B.

I found this blog series on the website entitled “Love and Relationships” and thought I would explore some posts in an attempt to get interesting and unique perspectives on such an overdone, clichéd topic. From the title it appears to be just that: CLICHÉ AS HELL. But what some of these writers had to say was anything but cliché, and mirrored many of my own thoughts and questions about relationships. The following blog and the one after it are my comments on two blog entries from this series.

 Here’s the link: http://shamelessmag.com/blog/entry/love-and-relationships-series-happy-on-her-own

In this short blog entry, R.B. discusses the pressures women experience with their choice to remain single. She talks about her own personal experiences with friends and family constantly giving her a hard time about her relationship status, arguing that she simply values her independence and has no desire to be with anyone.

“…the thing is, I don’t really want to get into a relationship. Nor have I ever seriously thought of getting into one. I won’t deny that there are people I find attractive, but so far that’s where my level of engagement comes to an end”

While I can’t personally relate to the author’s feelings as I have been in a couple “serious” relationships in my life, I have close friends who have expressed similar feelings about dating. I wouldn’t say that they have no desire whatsoever to find someone, it’s just that it’s not a priority for them. Neither of them have ever had boyfriends and they are perfectly fine with it. After reading this blog entry I actually feel a little guilty for trying to encourage them to go out with guys. When they tell me about someone who has an interest in them, or if there’s someone they find attractive, I’ll tell them to make a move…and maybe I’m being a little too pushy. Honestly, the more I date the more I realize that they might be on to something with this whole single life thing. Living completely for yourself (while sounding a little selfish, I must say) doesn’t seem like a terribly unpleasant way to go about things.

“However, whenever I express these views [that she would rather focus on herself and her ambitions], most people wonder (aloud I must note) if I’m making up an excuse (e.g. for not having a boyfriend/girlfriend, for being “traumatized,” and so forth). Or I am not taken seriously at all and patronizingly told that I only feel this way because I have never been involved with anyone”

Why is it so hard for our society to accept people who are simply not interested in dating? Can this all be traced back to the nuclear family, and the need for men and women to marry in order to make the most money possible? Ugh, I swear the more research I do the more I sound like a Marxist. I’m really not trying to! I just don’t know how else to explain it. Why do we need men and women to match up and get hitched so badly? What is the purpose? Can it be explained by capital, or can we connect it to something else like tradition, or patriarchy (even though patriarchy is often connected to capital…). I’m confused. I know there are no simple, concrete answers and there probably never will be, but that doesn’t stop me from questioning everything! On another note, I have to admit that I am completely guilty of accusing my friends of not wanting a relationship because they don’t know what they’re missing. I’ve always been very relationship-oriented. I like boys and I like their companionship. Always have, and (as much as I hate it sometimes) probably always will. If I’ve been single for too long I become lonely, and I’m constantly thinking about marriage and children. It’s really embarrassing for me to admit that after all of this research that I’ve done, but it’s the truth! Anyway. What this post and my other research has taught me is that I need to stop taking things like dating and marriage as “normal” and remind myself that these are all social constructs. I don’t actually “need” to get married. I won’t die if I don’t get married. I could just as easily not get married and have the same level of intimate companionship with someone if I wanted and I wouldn’t actually be missing out on anything in the relationship itself at all. But social pressures make it hard for women in particular to be okay with being alone, even though in reality if all of these bullshit pressures were stripped away we’d probably be perfectly fine. With each day of my research I find myself resenting the idea of marriage and empathizing more and more with my beautifully content single friends. I don’t need a boyfriend or husband to fill that horrible void of loneliness. I have a bunch of wonderful friends, both male and female, as well as an incredible family to keep me completely happy. Boyfriends should never be construed as “aspirations” for women. If anything, they should be bonuses to an already rich and fulfilling life.

…’spinster,’ a term associated with an unmarried woman generally carries a negative connotation, whereas ‘bachelor,’ a term associated with an unmarried man generally carries a more positive one. There is a popular perception that a bachelor lives an enviable life in which he can do whatever he wants. On the other hand, the lifestyle of a spinster is condemned and mocked”

I love this point! If this point was a man, I would marry it (ha, ha). Why is it that women are always condemned for remaining single, whereas men are never placed under the same scrutiny and to boot, are even envied for their free and sometimes lavish lifestyles (said “lavish lifestyles” make sense since they don’t have families to support and can climb the professional ladder as high as they want without worrying about how it will affect anyone else)? I find myself thinking about Federici once again…how these “spinster” women who did not live up to the status quo were accused of being witches and burned at the stake. Of course now we have moved past the witch trials, but even though we no longer kill women whose lifestyles we don’t agree with, our mockery continues to burn them pretty badly as they struggle to navigate their everyday lives.

Even though this individual has not identified herself as "asexual" (although I suppose it is possible...not really my place to judge) I found this short documentary included below incredibly fascinating. I cannot even tell you how I came across it, but all I can say is that it completely changed my outlook on asexuality. To be honest, I didn't really have a solid understanding of it beforehand. I had heard about it, and I've even made a joke or two about one of my cousins having her child through "asexual reproduction" because the baby looked completely like her and nothing like her husband! Prior to watching this video though, I thought asexuals had absolutely no desire to participate in any romantic relationships whatsoever. I imagined that they were essentially loners who were simply happier being by themselves than being with other people. This video, however, proves that this is not the case at all. Both of the individuals featured are emotionally, mentally and romantically interested in one another (they have a lot in common, they get along well, they even like to kiss and cuddle). They just don't have any desire to be sexually intimate with one another. This may seem quite odd to a lot of people, and hard to wrap your head around (especially considering that they sleep in the same bed), but that does not mean there is anything wrong with them. You don't need another person to be a complete person, nor do you need sex. At the end of the day if you can find things that make you happy, that's all that matters. For R.B., she's happy being on her own and focusing on her ambitions. For the couple in this video, they're happy and in love but without the sex. That's it. That's all. Accept it and move on!