“Love and
Relationships Series: Multiple Dating and Me” by deb singh
Here’s the link:
http://shamelessmag.com/blog/entry/love-and-relationships-series-multiple-dating-and
In a nutshell,
singh’s blog post is about her experience with multiple dating partners in an
attempt to challenge the pressures society places on people to remain monogamous.
For her, along with most people (if they can admit it!), being attracted to
more than one person at a time is not strange territory. The thing is that most
people, especially when they’re in a relationship, ignore feelings for other people
or even sometimes cheat. By being honest with herself and her feelings, deb
chooses to engage with polyamory to avoid the guilt, dishonesty and even
dissatisfaction with depending on one person for companionship.
I was especially
intrigued by this post not only because it completely opposes the institution
of marriage, which of course is deeply rooted in monogamy, but also because it
reminded me that I shouldn’t feel pressured to seriously commit to one person.
If I want to take my time, meet new people and just enjoy dating for a while
(or maybe even forever! Who knows!) I should feel okay to do that and not rush
into a relationship simply because it’s what 20-somethings are expected to do.
“When it comes
to the types of relationships that are out there, it’s pretty clear that while
we live in a culture of monogamy, we can still be attracted to more than one
person at the same time”
This is
obviously a massive contradiction in our society. I’ve heard that only a small
margin of non-human animal species are monogamous, and that humans are
naturally not part of this group. I would need to do more research to find out
if there is merit in these claims, but when you think about how prevalent
cheating is in our society, and how high the divorce rate is, it seems like a
minority of people these days are finding complete contentment in their
relationships. Even for those couples that stick it out to the bitter end (ie.
death) who’s to say that they were truly happy? And even if these couples were generally happy together, does this
mean that they went their whole lives without ever being attracted to another
person? I highly doubt it.
“Both people had
to be okay with knowing I was dating the other, or I wouldn’t have continued to
do so. I guess if one had wanted me to be monogamous with them, I would have
had to make that choice at that time, but both were okay with knowing I was
spending time with the other”
I think this
quotation points to a big reason for why polyamory and open relationships (wait,
are they the same thing? I found this website to help clear up that question,
and from what I read they are often used interchangeably but can often be
different depending on the unique arrangements of the individuals: http://www.polypipeline.com/dear-poly-chick-polyamory-vs-open-relationships/)
work well. It’s because couples are given the opportunity to be completely
honest with one another about their feelings and they can avoid cheating (maybe
some people would disagree, but to me it’s not cheating if my partner knows and
agrees with me seeing other people!). I was telling Ebru recently about a good
friend of mine who is in an open relationship: whenever he or his girlfriend
has a sexual encounter, they tell one another about it. There’s no sneaking
behind each other’s backs, and when they come together once again they feel
closer than they did before. Ebru was telling me that people in these open
relationships are actually happier a lot of the time than people who are in
closed relationships. Although I must admit that I don’t think I would be able
to share a man I was in a committed relationship with due to jealousy (which I
think is one of the only major downsides to open relationships, along with
social unacceptance), it makes sense to me that people in these relationships
would be happier overall because (like Ebru and I discussed) they aren’t
relying on one person alone to fulfill all of their needs. The expectations
people place on their partners are most times unrealistic, which I think is a
big reason why many relationships don’t last and marriages end. I also wonder
if it is possible to remain attracted to the same person for your entire life…but
that’s a question for another day!
“…check out all
the people getting divorced for the reason of one partner cheating! It’s
obvious in these scenarios that people clearly have attractions and needs for
different personalities and kinds of relationships in their lives”
It’s just like I
said in my last comment! But why don’t people come to terms with this? Is it
because acknowledging the idea that one person probably isn’t going to keep you
entirely happy forever defeats this romantic concept of finding “the one” or a “soulmate”?
Is it because it messes with this idea of the picket fence, husband, two kids
and the golden retriever? Do we avoid coming to terms with multiple attractions
because it simply bursts the bubbles of the dreams we have been told we should
have throughout our entire lives? I think there’s some merit to that theory,
because I’m still struggling with coming to terms with these ideas. I think of
every romantic movie I’ve ever watched in my life (Disney included, of course)
and finding that one special person to love me and cherish me forever is a
wonderful concept. It’s just…not necessarily a realistic one. It’s sad, but
true.
“But the keys to
doing multiple dating well are caring for the person, hearing them out and
being very honest with yourself about what you can really manage”
It seems that
there is definitely a right and a wrong way to pursue polyamorous
relationships. If you’re so busy with school and/or your career that you barely
have time for one person but you take on another, that might classify you as a
little selfish. Being honest with yourself and the people you’re with, along
with being considerate of their feelings and trying to do what’s best for you
and them is a difficult balancing act that might be a little too messy for
everyone to handle. If you’re committing to this lifestyle though, everything
deb mentions needs to be carried out effectively.
“One of the
biggest keys for me was being aware that I wasn’t dating one person or a few
because I was lonely or couldn’t be alone. I had to be very comfortable being
alone and having only myself to love me before I could get into complicated
relationships where I had to juggle many dynamics”
I think the idea
of seeking partnerships as a result of being unable to tolerate one’s own
loneliness is a big stigma attached not only to people in open/poly
relationships, but also people who are accused of being “serial daters” or
those who haven’t been single for longer than a month since high school. These
are the people who always have someone new on the go, if only for a few weeks,
or those who jump from one serious relationship into the next because they
desperately need the companionship. I’ll admit that I can empathize with these
feelings. I don’t like being alone either, but lately I’ve realized that I don’t
actually need a romantic partner to satisfy this loneliness. It might just be
in my personality to be completely dissatisfied with being alone for extended
periods of time (I try to get people to come with me everywhere…even on
ridiculous errands like a trip to the bank or grocery store) and I’m beginning
to accept that side of me. I don’t completely agree that a person needs to
learn to be happy with being “alone” per say, if being alone actually means
just literally hanging out by yourself. But if being “alone” means just not
being in a relationship, then that’s completely different. You have to be
content with yourself and being single if you want to be successful with
letting anyone else in, and I think that applies to both monogamous and
polyamorous relationships. But for me, disliking being alone isn’t a bad thing
if it means I enjoy surrounding myself with family and friends.
“It’s okay to
have many different kinds of friends and friendships, so trying to manage that
in terms of romantic and sexual relationships - if others are okay with it -
seems like it could yield a world of connections, experiences and love”
It’s funny when
you think about it. Why is it okay to have many friends but not okay to have
many romantic partners? Jealousy is also common between friends: I might get
jealous of someone if I find they have been spending a lot of time with one of
my friends and I haven’t seen them in a while. But this kind of jealousy is a
lot less extreme and doesn’t usually lead to the termination of friendships (at
least not in my case) whereas it happens all the time in relationships. It
doesn’t make sense!
I think singh is
onto something here…if I could just overcome my jealousy!
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