Reference: Bechdel, A.
(2012). Are You My Mother?. New York:
Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
I think I’m going to
struggle a little bit with this one. I’m somewhat concerned that I’m not going
to be able to do it justice. I mentioned very briefly in my last post that
there was a lot that went over my head in Bechdel’s memoir. What I thought
would be a quick read, as you’d expect from a graphic novel, actually took me a
lot longer than I would have expected. Bechdel doesn’t write like a typical
comic book author: her language choice is extremely elevated, and she makes
many direct references to famous theorists, authors and other academics such as
Virginia Woolf (who was also mentioned in Marbles…she’s coming up everywhere
these days! I mentioned her novel Flush in
my post from last week) and especially Donald Winnicott (a well-known paediatrician
and psychoanalyst who “was especially influential in the field of object
relations theory,” according to Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Winnicott).
With only Psychology
1F90 under my belt, many of these references to Winnicott in particular were a
major challenge for me. While I’m confident that I understood the majority of
the text, I’m going to be honest and admit that there were some parts that no
matter how many times I read them, I just could not understand them (like the
idea of the “true self” and the “false self”…I mean, I think I get it but if it came up on a test I wouldn’t be confident
in my answer).
To the best of my
ability though, I’m going to tell you what this book was about. In the simplest
terms, Bechdel’s text is about the complicated relationship between her and her
mother. Throughout the text, she jumps backward and forward in time, cutting
between different events of her past (she goes as far back as infancy, through
to childhood…her college years, and adult years) in an attempt to consolidate
all of her memories of her relationship with her mother and release her resentment.
From my perspective (and I’m going to go into more detail), Bechdel’s mother is
a living embodiment of the argument against all women being naturally attuned
to motherhood. Bechdel’s mother should not have been a mother. Instead of
having the typical mother-daughter relationship where the mother takes care of
her child and the child depends on the mother, the relationship between Bechdel
and her mother was inverted: Bechdel spent her entire childhood feeling like
she was her mother’s mother. In her childhood, she felt guilty about troubling
her mother with an illness and developed a phobia of vomiting because it
represented a time where she had to rely on her mother for care (this is just
one of many other examples). Even in her adulthood, Bechdel’s mother imposes
the mothering role onto her daughter by overwhelming their phone conversations
with only her own concerns (she never asks her daughter how she is doing, she
is selfish much like how a child is selfish when she expects her mother to
listen to her every complaint without the mother asking for the same courtesy in
return). Bechdel’s mother never seemed to figure out how the mother-daughter
dynamic was supposed to work, and if she did, she did not care to execute it.
As a result of her mother’s inadequacies as a parent, Bechdel goes to therapy
from her early to later adulthood to figure out when, where, how, why…her
mother chose not to mother her.
In this example, Bechdel has illustrated one of the many exhausting and
one-sided phone conversations that she has had with mother.
Interestingly though,
Bechdel’s comic is completely black-and-white aside from some red accents (in
various intensities and shades, sometimes deep, sometimes appearing more pink).
In the example above, everything is in black-and-white except for Bechdel and
her mother’s clothing, her mother’s lips, and the window frames and some
furniture. As much as I can say that it was an interesting stylistic choice and
it looks really good, I would love to know the reason behind it. I wish I had a
creative idea to offer for why she might have done this (maybe if I slept on it
something would come to me…), and maybe if I had more experience with graphic
novels I would have an easier time, but alas I have no idea! I can’t help but think
about Schindler’s List with the
little girl in the red coat…but what could that possibly have to do with a
memoir about a woman’s relationship with her mother?
Am I missing something
here?
I’m just going to move
on before I explode.
Aside from the
red-black-and-white colour choice, I also really loved how on pages 103-106,
the time that Bechdel is in therapy is delineated by the tree outside of the
window, indicating the passing seasons.
This happens right after Bechdel’s therapist, Jocelyn, asks her if she
believes in God. We of course know it is autumn because of the tree outside. On
the following pages the tree is bare for winter, and then develops buds for
spring.
I’m not sure what that
has to do with anything to be honest. I just thought it was clever…
Anyway.
Since this graphic
novel has a lot more text and thus much more quotable material compared to
Forney’s book, I’m going to revert back to my old blogging style to highlight
my observations/connections to my own life and experiences while also
incorporating connections to feminism and geography (but in the case of this
book, it’s predominantly feminism).
To make things easier
to follow, I’m going to write out my quotes in a script format as many of them
involve back-and-forth conversation between multiple characters. I’m also going
to keep everyone on a first-name basis (aside from Bechdel’s mother since we’re
not given her first name when they’re mentioned in the “script” just because I
don’t have everyone’s last names. I thought it would be important to mention
that so you don’t think I’m being sloppy!
I should also mention that
any time I am quoting Alison’s narration (so pretty much what’s not in the
speech bubbles) I write “Alison [narration]”.
Okay. I think that
covers it all.
Here it goes!
Alison: [Bechdel has
just told her therapist about how she wanted to cry when looking at the
innocence of the children in the Christmas play at church. Her therapist asks
her why] I dunno. It makes me think of this newspaper clipping of a Christmas
pageant I was in when I was ten. I look different from the other kids.
Carol [her therapist]: How?
Alison: Uh…self-conscious?
(45)
I really liked this
exchange. From the time Alison was very young, she learned that she had to be
strong for her mother and take care of her, and thus was never really given a
childhood. In childhood we do not have that obsessive awareness of how our bodies
look in and take up space. We are care-free. Along with her lack of innocence
in childhood that came as a result of her mother’s poor parenting, she never
experienced that blissful disregard of bodies and space that we have when we’re
young.
Young Alison [to her
mother]: Why didn’t you become an actress?
Alison’s mother: Oh, I
wanted to get married and have kids (94)
When I read this, I
immediately wondered: was that the right decision? Writing this now, I’m also
wondering why it has to be one or the other: why can’t a woman act while also
having a family? In these times though, it makes sense because women were
pretty much given the sole responsibility of their households and children, so
if you committed to a marriage and family, everything else sort of
automatically went out the window. I think Alison’s mother is a good example of
what happens to a woman when she doesn’t follow her heart and her dreams, and
simply does what society tells her she should do. I have a feeling she’d
probably be much happier if she stuck to acting (as bad as that might sound…I’m
sorry Alison Bechdel. It’s nothing against you!).
Alison [narration]: One
of the reasons why the mother might fail to meet the infant’s spontaneous
gesture [which according to Bechdel/Winnicott is the “true self” of the infant,
which is who the infant is when he or she is not complying to the mother’s
needs], Winnicott writes, is because the father is not performing his part well
enough.
Alison’s father [to his
wife about baby Alison]: Can’t you keep that brat quiet? (95)
Even though we only get
small snippets of what Bechdel’s father was like (I’d have to read her other
book to find out more about her dad!) it is evident from examples like this
that he was not a good father, either. He doesn’t seem to want anything to do
with his daughter and has put all of the responsibility of her care onto his
wife. As awful and unfit for parenting as she is, I can certainly empathize
with Bechdel’s mother and understand why her relationship with her daughter had
become so twisted. Without any support from a husband who became angry with HER
for her pregnancy (as if she conceived her children all on her own!) it isn’t
farfetched that she would take her anger and resentment out on her daughter.
Alison [narration]:
[After a conversation with her mom about some pro-life comments a journalist
had made on TV] I had long since given up trying to debate abortion with my
mom. None of my feminist arguments could sway her (124)
I included this
quotation because I think the abortion argument is a good reminder of the fact
that not all women are feminists! It sounds really funny, but there are many
women out there today who are perfectly content in a patriarchal society (and
by “content” I mean that they just sort of live like blind sheep in a system,
doing what the system says and living by the system’s rules and not really
questioning anything. Many of these women, of course, use religion as the
foundations of all of their beliefs and take “the Bible says so” as law for
their entire lives). Ugh. It’s so frustrating. I’m going to rein myself in here
before I go on a tangent. It’s even more frustrating to know that Bechdel’s
mother is an educated woman. Before I
fly off the deep end, I know everyone is entitled to their own beliefs…but COME
ON! Especially coming from a woman who shouldn’t have had kids to begin with!
Okay I’m done. Time to
move on.
Alison [narration]:
[Alison is grappling over the fact that her mother tried to call her multiple
times at her old dorm room when she was in college, and she had missed the
call. Her mother needed some consolation upon deciding to divorce her father] I
wasn’t there when she had needed me. The phone ringing in the empty room. I
couldn’t get it out of my head. One ring reverberating into another. And
another. And another (158-159)
This is a great example
of how Bechdel acts more like a mother than her own mother does. You would
expect this sort of regret coming from a mother, but instead Bechdel feels
terrible that she missed her mother’s phone call.
Alison’s mother [on the
phone with Alison]: You’re not going to use your real name, are you? Couldn’t
you use one of your funny names?
Alison: That would
defeat the purpose!
Alison’s mother: I
would love to see your name on a book, but not on a book of lesbian cartoons
(182)
This broke my heart
when I read it. She was so excited to tell her mother some news for once, only
to be completely knocked down. Her mother is ashamed of her for being a lesbian
and doesn’t want the public to know. Is it her family’s image that she’s
worried about? Is it her daughter’s image she’s worried about? From what I’ve
seen, and based on her selfish behaviour everywhere else, she’s probably more
worried about what people will think of her.
Hmm. Once again, not a great mother figure!
Alison: [On her
therapist Jocelyn’s request, Alison asks her mother a compelling question] What’s
the main thing you learned from your mother?
Alison’s mother: That
boys are more important than girls (263-264)
Earlier in the book,
Bechdel mentions how her brothers were treated better than her throughout her childhood,
so it seems that Alison’s mother has chosen to carry on this awful cycle of valuing
men above women. But WHY? If she was treated this way in her own childhood, why
would she ever want to pass that on to her daughter? Is it like a form of
revenge? Maybe if I took more psychology courses, I would have better ideas…but
I can only go so far with my speculations.
Donald Winnicott
[quoted by Bechdel]: The awkward fact remains, for men and women, that each was
once dependent on woman, and somehow a hatred of this has to be transformed
into a kind of gratitude if full maturity of the personality is to be reached
(279)
Alison’s mother [to
Alison as a child]: Alison, get off the floor!
Alison: I can’t! I’m
crippled!
Alison’s mother: Oh, do
you need some leg braces?
Alison: Yes!
Alison [narration]: What
I remember is a feeling of inebriation. The further I moved into this imaginary
space, the more it opened up.
Alison’s mother: Okay,
let me lace them up.
Alison [narration]: I
can only speculate that there was a charge, an exchange, a mutual cathexis
going on…She could see my invisible wounds because they were hers, too
(286-287)
These last couple pages
were probably the most compelling of the entire book. Prior to this exchange,
Bechdel mentions how she would pretend to be crippled for her mother’s
attention when she was a little girl. Here, she is making a connection between
her mother’s indulgence in this make-believe play and transgenerational female
oppression. Both Alison and certainly her mother harbor feelings of inadequacy as
women, and thus in this moment they can play together because they can both see
each other’s “wounds.” Bechdel resents being a woman as a result of her mother’s
treatment of her (especially when compared to how she treated her brothers) and
her mother resents being a woman as a result of her husband and her own mother’s
treatment of her. Ingrained in both of these women is the idea that “boys are
more important than girls” (264).
In creating this memoir
though, I think Bechdel is beginning the healing process after generations of
oppression. Now that she has exposed this vicious cycle, hopefully she will be
able to stop it...
I never thought I would
say this…and I don’t mean to say I don’t think she would be a good mother
because I don’t know that…but maybe Bechdel’s socially uncharacteristic choice
to not have children (it seems it was hardly a choice…more like she was rather
apathetic to the whole idea from the start) was a good one.
The abusive cycle
ends with her.
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